Stella’s text telling me about her aunt’s death was the straw that broke my back. I stared at my phone, bewildered by the words on the screen.
“Esther died. Call later.”
I finally had to take off the blinders and acknowledge a notable change in our relationship. Stella’s dismissive behavior over the last few years had proven that our once-close camaraderie had morphed into a one-sided, unhealthy relationship.
Our friendship began over 15 years ago. We evolved from acquaintances to church sisters and eventually formed a close friendship. We shared our deepest struggles, from the heartbreak of failed marriages to the challenges of single parenthood.
We often discussed the new men in our lives, giving them the ‘nah girl’ or the ‘thumbs up’ review, and we prayed for each other’s children, especially when we saw them making wrong choices.
My love for travel rubbed off on Stella. She proudly told everyone that I was the one who introduced her to the joy of exploring new places.
Stella moved to Connecticut to care for her Aunt Esther, the woman who had raised her since she was five. Their relationship was turbulent. Esther was verbally and emotionally abusive towards everyone, but especially towards Stella.
Despite her feelings, Esther insisted on immersing herself in Stella’s life. Wherever Stella went, and whatever she did, Esther was involved. So, anyone who was friends with Stella eventually became an acquaintance of Esther. This is how I came to know her.
I can’t pinpoint when it started, but I noticed Stella acted differently towards me. At first, I refused to see it. You know how we do: ignore the signs, excuse the behavior, think it’s all in our minds.
It started with the phone calls. When Stella would say hi and ask, “How are you?” I knew it was insincere because she never gave me a chance to answer. Instead, she immediately began talking about her conflicts with Esther or other problems in her life.
When Stella finished talking about herself, and I tried to share, she always had to hang up because she needed to finish dinner or tend to Esther. The calls always ended abruptly with a promise to call me back, but it rarely happened.
The scenario was the same whenever we got together in person.
Once, I drove to Connecticut to help Stella find a gown for a wedding. We spent about five hours looking for that perfect one.
Afterwards, I said, “I saw a dress that would look nice on me, and I want to check it out.” Suddenly, Stella grew tired from all the walking and trying on the gowns. She said, “I don’t have the energy to do anything else, and I just want to leave.”
This type of response was becoming more typical. When everything was centered around Stella, we would have a wonderful time. But if the attention pivoted towards me, Stella’s attitude and mood would change, giving off the vibe that she wasn’t interested.
Over time, our calls and connections lessened. I tried to speak with Stella about the changes I was sensing, but she would always change the subject or say, “I don’t feel like talking.” I felt a thread was holding our friendship together.
So, when I received the text about Esther’s death, I was dumbfounded. All I could think was, “Really? You, Esther, and I have been a part of each other’s lives for over 15 years, and you chose to tell me of her passing through a half-ass text?”
I’ve had other friends who’ve lost someone, and it was devastating for them as well. But, they would call and say something like, “I really can’t talk right now, but just wanted to let you know so-and-so passed.” Given our friendship, I felt Stella should’ve given me the same consideration.
In hindsight, I realized her choice of communication aligned with her other negative behavior towards me.
I tried calling Stella to make sure I wasn’t misinterpreting her words.
No answer.
A couple of days later, I tried calling her again, hoping to get information about the funeral service. I wanted to attend to say goodbye to Esther and offer Stella and her family my love and support, but the call went to voicemail.
That last unanswered call cemented the fracture in our friendship.
It’s been over a year since Esther passed, and Stella still hasn’t returned my calls. Her responses to my texts were, “I’ll call you soon.”
I’m still waiting.
I’ve had three other friendships end. Yet, this one affected me the most. The downfall of our bond made me re-evaluate what I want and need from those in my inner circle. I realized I want to be valued as a person whom someone genuinely enjoys spending time with.
Trust is essential. In friendship, I want someone I can confide in. I also need to trust that what’s precious to me won’t be discarded or taken for granted.
When I reach out, I want to know that the other person is concerned and is willing to offer support or encouragement.
The qualities that I look for in a friend are the same things I try to give people I love and value, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expecting the same in return.
It’s been painful, but I don’t harbor any ill feelings towards Stella. I knew I had to let go of our friendship for my sanity. I’m not sure how I learned of this quote by Tupac, but it gave me peace, and it’s one of the principles I’ve added to my life:
“Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that. I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”
I hope and pray that I don’t have any more friendships end, but if I do, I’m big enough to walk away and release them with love and grace.
Ora Cook is a New York City-based freelancer, storyteller, and coach. Her writing and coaching centers on helping Women of Color heal from the emotional pain of childhood, early adulthood, and relational trauma. When she isn’t writing or coaching, Ora travels the globe. One of her favorite forms of travel is cruising. Ora is an avid traveler and encourages women to travel for therapeutic and recreational purposes. She has also contributed to the Sisters AARP publication.
